He said it

We were just talking last night and he said ” I don’t want to get married”. In that instance my dreams were dashed. But all this talk about God? The one thingHe requires us that a man not be alone in this life. But here it is a man with all the God tau but not practicing what he says he loves.

Okay so what should I do about this? Is this my red flag to look for someone else? But this guy seems perfect, and I don’t want to. But his words last night tho’ he is not into me that way. He is still hung up on his ex wife and he is content with the way his life is going. Just as I was closing other relationship doors, just as I was telling my good friends I had “found someone” I have to recant. I want someone into me. He sure did pretend to be at first. I think I will give it a few more weeks and see where we go. More to come. I hope.

Hungry

Right now I am hungry. I want some fried fish with all the fixings. But I shouldn’t have ii because fried food is bad for me ohhh but I love it so. Not everyday love it so, just when I want it love it so in the first degree. Oh what is a girl with type 2 diabetes to do? Order it eat it and shut up about it. But just not everyday.

Adult stories series part 1: The family

He was sitting in the car and he saw them struggling with bags a wheelchair a Mom and daughter trotting in the rain. They were two cars over and he felt something. He desired to help them. He told the driver, I’ll be right back and in a second he was out and over to the ladies and he spoke to the daughte I will help you get her in the car that rain in serious! The daughter nodded and said okay. The Mom was quite cautious and sat very still Harold went to work. He lifted her up and out of the chair and onto the car seat she could smell his cologne and noticed a Bluetooth in his ear. She thought this guy is important and before she knew it she giggled her thanks and they were surrounded by men in dark suits asking if he was okay. He told her no worries they are my family and they worry. She look at him and said but why? I am in a wheelchair andy daughter is loaded down with groceries. He shrugged and said it’s them. You okay? She said thank you yes. And then he smelled mango and reached for her hand. She drew back. He said is there anything else you need. She smiled and thank him

And he asked would you mind if I could have your number? She look at her daughter and said oh I am not sure. And then her daughter handed him a piece of paper and said call anytime. Smiles all around as the rain began to pour. He went back to his car and turned and look at her as they drove off into the oncoming heavy rain. She and her daughter started talking at the same time while bursting into laughter and omgs!!!! You think he’ll call? Idk but mercy that is something for my journal. He did call they set up a date and met in the parking lot. She was very nervous and he was too. The talked calmly and finally he said let’s just drive and see where we end up. As he drove he reached for her hand and softly rubbed his thumb back and forth. He said nothing. She began to him very low very soft ” the long and winding road”. He pulled over and told her to look up. He had opened the sunroof and the stars were putting on a show for her. He told her. I don’t know why I like you but from the minute I saw you. I just wanted to be in you life. It’s your smile you know. That what it is and those eyes of yours. She held her breath. Her illness had caused her to forget all these things he now spoke of so romantically in the dark. She couldn’t leave. But she didn’t know what to do. So she let him hold her hand as her breath got short. And her eyes filled with tears. The tears rolled down the sides of her eyes and she did nothing to stop them. He continued. If you let me I will love you. If you only see our possibility and not second guess this moment we have been given. He turned off the car and put it in park. He looked at her so adoringly. She touched his ear and he leaned in and kissed her softly. He tasted lemons and limes and smelled mango. She gave into him and their kisses became harder and quicker. She grabbed his forearm firmly and pushed down. They came u0 for air and she wept. He kissed her tears. He kissed her eyes he asked her to let him.love her. there in that moment in the dark she ópebed her heart. They held the embrace for what seemed like hours then checked into a bed and breakfast. She was nervous and he was tender. His breath got on her neck. He took his time removing her clothes. She waited eyes close as he walked by away undressed and eased his body next to hers. She began to touch his shoulders and soon he was kissing her again he moved on too of her and she moaned. As they continued she whispered part me ópeb and go deeper at that moment he moaned oh girl and hurried his face in her neck. She screamed. She cried. But he kept loving her, kissing her tenderly. And the next day he took her shopping and then he took her home and she asked him to stay. And he obliged. A d they have remained inseparable. The End

When I get like this.

ACH day I write in my journal bgow grateful I am to walk and breath since having a stroke. But really. I just want to walk again. To be whole again. To put this stroke behind me and come back to being me again. I don’t understand what is taking God so long I am afraid to ask him because he might make me wait a little longer. I don’t know what to do. Now I have started a new thing. I can’t make the bathroom to pee and sometimes I don’t even try. I pee myself. Yes I am ashamed of this new behavior. But I can’t get up in time before the water comes down. So instead of fighting it, I just let the water fall fall fall. Then I am soaked and I stink and I am so embarrassed. But I don’t stop. Why? Why am I settling? I can go to the bathroom. Why do I wait until it’s too late. So I apologise to myself for this wretched behavior and I begin right now to do better. Idk. This is crazy. I want a man. No man is gonna want me peeing all over myself omg.now u must finish this get up and get dry.

Feeling lonely tonight

I am a loving kind human being.bit I have a little crazy. My crazy is wanting to be loved.  I fall for these fake Instagram guys and they ghost after asking me to marry them. Why.why am I so vunerable? Lonely, I guess. Idk. Love come so easy for the romantic movies I watch. But not for me. And I am disabled. I had a stroke. Omg. Who is gonna want me like this? But it doesn’t stop my heart from falling for the Instagram guy. Most are scammers they want data cards or money cash appd to them. I don’t fall for that part. Mainly because I just want a man in my life. The voice the texting the being included in his life that part. But it never seems to work out in my favor. My children find out and block them delete their accounts. Because my children know what time it is I don’t. That’s my crazy. Why I like this? A Christian woman who trusts too much who believes liars and hope a make believe world can become real. Idk. I do know God will do something. So I wait. I do my painting and writing and I wait for my changed situation to come. Ivblog because I have no one to talk to about this and I don’t want whoever would listen to think less of me. Oh tonight I lonely fory him. For his voicehis colonge his music. But he is no where to be found. So I just have to wait.

Every need met.

You ever heard a voice? Not at n a crazy way but for instance, I was just brushing my teeth after a morning of vigorous prayer. Just brushing my teeth and I heard in my head”every need met”. Omg I felt such love in that moment and even now as I type this. Every need met. I need healing since my stroke a year ago. I asked over and over again.granted, I have seen some great results. My arm moved two weeks ago shocked us all it just moved like normal but the next day it was like no.no. I didn’t know what to do. So I prayed some more and in yesterday it moved again but not like before but it is more moveable. I can raise it and move it around. For this I am very grateful. But this morning I heard every need met. I then read Ezekiel 37 yeah the dry bones story and 47 the water,fish, tree with medicine leaves Story. And sitting here typing this story I feel a solitude. A clearing feeling. And I wait to garner the meaning of it all. God is awesome.

When is enough

I am a participant on three intercessory prayer lines.i listen to scripture daily. I am a stroke survivor waiting on my complete healing. The other day a relative said to me. All this Prayer you should be healed by now. That comment made me feel some kind of way. But still I continue with my routine. I guess because I don’t know when enough bus enough. I just keep going until I get an answer. That is what I know.i stay the course until He answers. I am confident He will answer me. So I keep toiling like a gardener. My prayers are the kindling that gets it going my persistent in showing up is my guide to get growth. I will never give up.6/27/20 9:58am

Me, the blogger

I am a terrible blogger. I write that because I don’t vlig daily. I think that shows lack of commitment but I committed. Committed to stating my opinion committed to laying my words down an really hoping you read them. Committed to saying something I feel is very necessary. I am just pitifully inconsistent. I tell myself I need to do better. And I try hard. But I fail. And fall. An come back here again to type in hopes that you will read and dream of getting paid to do this blogging thing I abusively Love. I want to do better. I want to know the secrets of how to get paid for my writing. People tell me all the time I should write or so g for a living. But some how I miss the integral part of it. Then I just scrap it up to say. My voice is not good enough or my writing was so inconsistent I faxed to build an audience. How does one get 1k followers on YouTube? I am nobody famous cousin I am out here hoofing it as best I can. And yes I want the things. But the elude me. I can’t even hook up to the right webinar or motivational speaker. Oh I don’t know. I just keep trying to get things done. I will keep writing how I feelloke for instance on Twitter a lady caught one on the men who murdered #georgefloyd. He was out shopping for Oreos and such! Omg you can murder someone and then just walk around and buy snacks as the person you murdered lays in a cold grave. What kind of serve and protect oath did they take? Our America is just so backward so sad. And the Whitehouse remains silent.

Okay that’s enough my heart is broken bye.

Some where else

☕☕☕a morning read☕☕
I woke up this morning with a longing to be someone else. To be some where else.on a stage. community theater.making a character come to life. Blocking,Set design, Stage Aurora.Abet.Theater Jacksonville,Limelight,Players by the Sea!. I miss them. The smell of the theater,Costumes,set design. The lights, the people,yes.  Covid-19 quarintine has enveloped me in memory of the girl I was before stroke. And I miss her so much.The applause, the bows and even the reviews. This morning I woke longing for it all.

stroke cure

Last year in January I suffered a stroke that affected my left side. This year I happened upon a story of a lady who had a stroke but by way of a medical mircle she made a full recovery. Ñow I want this treatment. It is real. The doctor and all the paperwork prove it. I am going to talk to my Primary doctor about it today. I have been having such headaches. So I am going to see her. I have always suffered with my head in one way or another. My real question is not for my doctor but for the Goad I believe in. If He wills He can just look my way or speak and I will be healed. So I wait. I wait on the God I love to hear and to heal me. But could it be he wants to do it through this doctor? Would Medicare pay for it?All tjsrs questions but one look, one word from God and none of this will matter. But on Him I must wait.