Trusting a Sovereign God

We always expect a sweet love, a story book romance.

We expect to walk in Health all the time….

We think, “I serve you, You will do this or that….

But life happens….and we are left looking crazy…

Having to endure the taunts of others whose God is there good Credit score…

But don’t give up….

Don’t feel left out or abandoned….

Yes, it is easy to have these feelings….

So have them…..

Cry, scream, overeat (this one time)’

But then,

Get a hold of yourself….

And see that you decided to trust this Sovereign God….

Who never said he would walk away when times got tough….

He promised to stay…to never leave….

This is my faith….my trusting in a Sovereign God……

Acquiescence conquers!!!!!

Day 699–People can try and mess us up. 
Harping on our short comings and never recognizing our good. 
This is why it is important to live in a constant state of….

eager forgiving & flowing love, 

Heart desires are born this way.
It’s just that everything requires a test. 

It’s just that things might not go my way.  

This to me is where true destiny is found.  
It is where we get the deep breath and the exhale….by accepting what we just cannot change…having courage to change ourselves for our own good (no more “stinking thinking”).   Like the dew on these flowers in Anne Jackson-Johnson’s garden…acquiescence is refreshing…….makes us sparkle and glow and gives us a shine…yeah…..a shine🎶

You are great!!!!! Your dreams achievable!!!!!

It’s just that ….it takes work, time away from the crowd and your own belief in the incredible Y.O.U.

#Youmatter

No Excuse…get up…shut up…go!

Each day I produce something…..Join me. 

Sure I could give up..hell sometimes I want to soooo bad.

But then…I feel it… it is like the wind to me ….I feel it surging me upwards and forwards.

I don’t care what people say…and you better believe they have said horrid things…but let me tell you..that pull..that urge gives me the power to get up…dry my tears..put on a new attitude and keep it moving !!!!! 

Like I said….no excuse…get up and join me in the #beingproductivenation!!!!!

2015 !

2015 2 days in and I haven’t written one thing. So on this 3rd day comes all these words filling me up.  Here they are:   Joy, fun, truth,peace, alive,singing, sex, plenty, might, help,wait, looking, now,give,give,give,open,free,mercy,kindness,truth,hope,addresheart,place,sanctuary

might, have,need,up,up,up thank you. Whew!

now on with it.   Welcome 2015!

What you are about to read is Long and true

+Longest Ever! don’t read without music or a snack! LOL! +++++++++
My Soundtrack for today is Nico&Vinz. 1st song is “Am I Wrong”. I feel like this is how my dizziness effects me. It will not leave me alone after years of everyone praying for me….People laying hands on me and pushing my head (ouch!) of telling me it is something in me that holds this illness to me. It is nearly maddening to be drunk everyday(w/out liquor-carousel life)..to walk into things…or just to stand up swooning. So in the words of the song “Am I wrong to think that this could be something so real ( and that all I can do is accept it)….I know a suffering woman was not on his mind when the song was penned but funny how it seems to fit my situation. Like my dizziness has a voice that says…’if you tell me I am wrong then I don’t want to be right”. and I stand asking it “am I wrong to want something real?’ The realness of seeing without this spinning without having to work so hard for it….The realness of not having to fear falling or my vision seeing cars driving into each other when they are not…… my eyes just run everything together…
To resist the panic as I ride and hold ‘normal’ conversation pretending nothing is happening at all’. It is CRAZY! I cannot alert anyone because they need me to listen…..yeah the doctors have alot to say….’we can try…. this…we can cut here and you may be paralyzed when we are done and we cannot garuntee that the dizziness will be gone’…… “Am I wrong”, I scream inside…this cannot be my real….oh but it is….So I try eating certain things, oils, sprays. I give it 4-6 wks..no changes. But last month without warning it stopped…13 seconds last month. Total stillness …..WOW!!!!!
In 2011, Therapy taught me how to appear normal as this earthquake goes on in my brain.2read, 2write, 2 paint, 2type, 2sing …another Nico & Vinzsong says ‘I Know what I’m Not’…to that I take notice…So I attempt to fly. So when the wonderful .Joe Schwarz called to my first audition I went…alone. I stepped on the (seemingly revolving) stage …the lines became a page of blur the great gentleman Larry Knight gave me his larger print script..(Just for background we did this as a reading at Theatre Jax, Michelle Skimulet was our Director and we just sat no blocking. I was excorted to the stae during balck out and off as well…so no one knew except for the cast and everytime I I felt thet) Why.why write all this ? Gosh, Melody… Do you have to say Everything?! Enter Nico & Vinz singing Miracles….no magic tricks to get us anywhere…Blood, Sweat, Tears fuels the fire in our souls…you don’t have to be big and tall to stand up and hold your (my) own. So I keep attemptiing to make my Hills Valleys and make myself not so scared at night. Each night at TJ I was escorted on and off stage. One night I looked down and saw a black hole beneath my feet and I never looked down again! But this audition was different…there would be blocking….as I sat there I knew because of my limitations and possible liability issue the safer bet was the non-challenged people in the room. Perhaps I was trying to reach for something I could not see (yet)… Enter Nico & Vince singing “My Melody” it is in a language I cannot understand and it resonates in my soul as…he yells…they chant….and it soothes me. Takes me to my land of ‘the try’ …He sings, “If these are my last words then let the music play reminding us of our true existence”. I chime in …. we were made to Praise not complain and whine all the time…. to love and see this life as more than a notion. So do something! Push through stiffness and sudden fear, illness, headaches and joint….get somewhere and begin to forgive everyone for every pain you’ve got. Get it all out.
My doctors are doing what they can. I am not them nor do I try to be. I just keep positive….I do force myself to do that one more presentation, one more excercise, one more Hello my name is ..one more lifting your hands and just smiling and laughing for real…one more space for your beautiful moment where criticism is non-existent and all you hear is yes and thank you so much! Get quiet…stop being everything to everyone and be that one thing you need to yourself. Please. Sit quietly. Don’t be afraid to hear your breath. In and out. Forgive. Stop reliving all the negative and for 10minutes think of the good that happened to you. Please. Yes. Turn off the tv, tablet, phone, all sound but your breath and be grateful for you. You Matter. Your happiness matters.
Don’t live in fear! Rise above it and say! Zoom, Zoom, ZOOM!!!!!!! ..make those Hills Valleys! Get that mirror and say “I love you! You Matter! brought to you by the entire Nico&Vinz Black Star Elephant recording! Audio available-Inboxme your email and I’ll send the audio version

Libido Denied!

THIS IS LONG (jus’ sayn)……..
Friday night and Satdae proved to be tests. Friday a test of my emotions and libido and satdae a test of the challenge that I now live with daily. Friday I accepted a date with this guy I hadn’t seen in a long while. Yes, I am being transparent here, so read on. This time our metting wasn’t like before. The moment he stood at the door, I knew what wasn’t going to happen. Nevertheless, It was just soo nice to have his voice echoing against my living room walls as we sat and talked. His sense of humor intact as always. But then I laid my head on his shoulder and he whispered ‘I am here now’.
But something happened. The more he talked, I began to realize how I keep holding onto someone who sees the glass as “half-empty”,when I see is as “half-full” (M). Reasoning set in : “I know this man, maybe I could just forget certain things about him and move forward with him”. But something inside me fought back. Guess my silence was the tell-er.He asked me what was wrong. I didn’t reply. I just looked at him. My eyes welled up. And he knew and he left me. Said he would call later on. There I sat. Alone. So, yeah, I said out-loud in the silence of my home…” what am I to do about my libido”? Next thing I knew I was waking up getting ready for the prayer conference call! I told them all about it…now I am writing it out to you….I have a soul that longs for connection with my earthly him (as Toni Morrison writes “the living man”). Jus sayin’n. Some people have peace with just love the one you’re with, some want to preach and say oh I don’t even think about no man (I don’t believe that for one minute  then there are those like me who are waiting with a large hope for that ‘living man’.
OK, so , on yesterday, I went to a Mary Kay Party. As we pulled into the driveway the car hit a bump…my spinning world went haywire and I couldn’t go in for a minute….I texted my prayn family…cuz, I got scared at what might happen next….things did get better and ended with us having a truly lovely time. My laughter returned. I MADE IT!!!!!!!!SOOOO, whatever your challenge…take it from me…you too will MAKE IT THROUGH, TOO! This was brought to you by #libido , #spinningand #paininmyhead! You will make it!

AMBUSHED!!!!!!

When I woke up I was ambushed. Ambushed by worry, problems, betrayals, past hurts and what am I gonna do abouts. I mean like a set up for my wake up had been planned. I sat up as my mind continue to fill with what seemed an impossible list of tasks to conqueor! Then all of a sudden, solace…I began to say thank you out loud. My thank yous entailed everything that I could see, the fact that I can breathe, hear clothed and in my right mind. Yeah, that ambushed feeling is gone. #speakit — feeling special.